‘Since the world is supposed to end Saturday, could you please get me a screener of “Green Lantern”? That would be great.’ — message from a Twitter follower.
All the philosophers, prognosticators, preachers and fools who have predicted the End of Days have one thing in common.
They were all wrong.
But then you kinda knew that, didn’t you?
The latest doomsday nonsense comes from Harold Camping, an evangelical broadcaster for Family Radio Worldwide who says he’s done the math and the world will end on May 21, 2011. According to Camping’s website, “Judgment Day on May 21, 2011, is the culmination of five decades of intensive Biblical study by Mr. Camping and other Bible teachers who have studied the same Biblical data.”
This is the same guy who said the world would end in 1994. Guess his math was just a bit off back then.
Not that the world will actually end on Saturday, says Camping. It’ll just get a whole lot messier. According to Family Radio Worldwide’s website, on May 21, “a great earthquake will occur . . . [and] throw open all the graves. The remains of all the saved believers who have ever lived will be instantly transformed into glorified spiritual bodies . . . [but] the bodies of all unsaved people will be thrown out upon the ground to be shamed.”
But wait, there’s more:
“The inhabitants who survive this terrible earthquake will exist in a world of horror and chaos beyond description. Each day people will die until October 21, 2011, when God will completely destroy this earth and its surviving inhabitants.”
And what happens if May 21 comes and goes and there’s no earthquake throwing open all the graves and transforming the dead into glorified spiritual bodies?
“The Biblical evidence is too overwhelming and specific to be wrong,” sayeth Camping and Co.
Looking forward to hearing what manner of B.S. the preacher will be shoveling come May 22.
That sound you heard Monday afternoon was every joke-writer in the nation deleting the largest file on his computer. Surprising absolutely nobody, Donald Trump announced he wouldn’t be running for president — and just like that it became a little bit more difficult to write monologues for the Conans of the world.
Some will claim Trump’s the real winner in this whole charade because of all the press he drummed up over the last couple of months, including all those mentions of “Celebrity Apprentice,” which, as he constantly reminded us, is NBC’s most successful prime time program. (Or at least it was until “The Voice” came along.)
The Donald also used the spotlight to brag about his real estate deals and plug a number of other projects. Why, look at the new profile in Rolling Stone, which features a photo of Trump doing “The Thinker” pose while perched on a golden throne, as if he’s a constipated clown wondering why he doesn’t add more bran to his diet. Within the two paragraphs of the story, Trump gets in plugs for his brand of neckties (“I have the number-one selling tie in the country”) and his cuff links.
“They’re magnificent!” Trump says of the cuff links. “Everybody’s buying them! If I said I got them at Harry Winston for $100,000, you’d believe it! Forty-nine dollars at Macy’s! Macy’s doesn’t even want to carry other brands! We blow them out!”
See that? I repeat the plug, and Trump just got another plug! He’s a genius!
He also succeeded in creating a whole new level of caricature of the greedy blowhard without a speck of self-awareness.
Anybody who says all publicity is good publicity has never been at the epicenter of a bleep-storm of bad publicity. Is Trump really better off today than he was before he started blithering and blathering about running for president while expressing his doubts and concerns about Barack Obama’s birth certificate and college transcripts, sharing his stupefyingly simplistic plans for dealing with OPEC and China and telling us how well he gets along with “the blacks”?
How can anyone say it’s good publicity when you become the nation’s go-to punch line at the age of 64?
Trump announcing he wasn’t running for president on Monday was akin to Charlie Sheen announcing he wasn’t returning to “Two and a Half Men.” The decision had already been made for you, buddy.
Chick-flick title notwithstanding, “Bridesmaids” is not your typical frothy fantasy about a gal planning her dream wedding. Whether it’s the entire female side of the wedding party experiencing an extremely unfortunate gastrointestinal reaction post-lunch at a questionable Brazilian restaurant, the main character calling a teenage girl the c-word or a post-credits sequence involving two plus-sized, semi-naked people and a huge sandwich, “Bridesmaids” pulls no punches.
“Bridesmaids” co-stars Kristen Wiig of “Saturday Night Live” and Plainfield native Melissa McCarthy, star of the CBS sitcom “Mike and Molly,” stopped by WLS-AM (890)’s “Roe & Roeper” show for a chat. (Co-host Roe Conn was off that day.) What follows is an excerpt from the conversation.
Kristen Wiig: Did you think … as a man, did you have expectations [about “Bridesmaids”] just because of the title? I’m interviewing you now.
Richard Roeper: When I hear “Bridesmaids,” I’m thinking probably a bland leading man is going to go through an airport and tell Kate Hudson not to get on the plane because she’s making the biggest mistake of her life — cue the Maroon 5 music. So, thank you for not doing that. Why don’t you explain what “Bridesmaids” is about.
KW: “Bridesmaids” is a comedy I co-wrote that Judd Apatow is producing, directed by Paul Feig. My character is not in the best place in her life. And what’s worse than being in a wedding while you’re going through that? Her best friend is getting married, and she feels like she’s losing her best friend. Enter all the bridesmaids: Melissa McCarthy, Wendi McLendon, Ellie Kemper, Maya Rudolph and Rose Byrne.
Melissa McCarthy: And I’ll say what Kristen can’t, cause she wrote it and is too nice to gush about herself. But I think it’s wildly funny. I love how it shows smart, real, funny women in relationships that you kind of buy. Even if they are the odd women out, I still know that person or that piece of her — instead of everything just being so wacky and crazy and unrelatable, like women fight about nail polish and heels. I’ve never had either of those fights. I don’t want to be called princess on my wedding day.
RR: I guess the shorthand is this is the female version of “The Hangover.” This is a movie that aggressively goes for the R rating, which I also appreciate. I hate the movies where you can only say the f-word once and the rest of the time they go, “That mollyflogging guy…”
KW: Right, it’s also fun when we have to go in to record the TV version where we have to cover up those words. You know where it’s like, “forget you.” No one says “forget you” when they are really mad.
RR: Peanut butter fudge.
KW: You’re being a piece of shingle.
RR: Kristen, in the opening scene you had to give Jon Hamm a break. He plays this guy who wants nothing more than sex from you. You’re his third choice when he’s making booty calls. And [in this scene] you essentially invent some new [sexual] positions…
KW: That was actually our last day of shooting. It was one of those things where we said we’ll just do stuff and you can throw me around. He was so great in the movie. He’s very funny. He can play a douchebag like no one else.
RR: Kristen, you co-wrote the script, so I’m assuming you wanted to honor the writer, but there are some scenes where it feels like you guys might have said let’s just play around a little bit. There’s a bachelorette party that’s intended to land in Vegas but a few things happen on the airplane that kind of slow things down.
KW: I was nervous. It’s hard to play that but be kind of real-looking. They always say when you’re drunk you try to act sober. So when you are playing drunk you have to play someone that’s drunk that’s trying not to act drunk.
MM: You reeked of gin that whole day, so I don’t know how much acting we were seeing.
RR: Melissa, you play the sister of the groom.
MM: I’m the one that had to be in the wedding party. I was the blood relative that they were like, “Oh, God, it would be too obvious to not invite her.”
KW: She brought something to that character that we couldn’t even imagine, and during rehearsals. We did a lot of rehearsals before we started shooting. She brought something to it that we, I mean everyone is talking about it. So funny. Also, the thing with Melissa’s character is that she’s really the only one that doesn’t really care what other people think and is totally happy with herself, totally happy with her life and doesn’t understand why everyone around her isn’t just as happy.
RR: You want a friend like that. Kristen, your character — there are a couple of moments, too, where she really goes dark. She even has an exchange with a high school girl. It ends with an insult that kind of takes your breath away.
KW: Yes, [she says] the world’s worst word.
RR: And it’s a woman in her 30s saying that to a teenage girl.
KW: I know. They had to cut it down because it was a little longer and then I was nervous. Is it OK? Is it kind of justified? But you should never call anyone that. I believe that Peter Frampton’s daughter [Mia Rose] is playing that girl.
RR: So she’s got Frampton money, double album money. That’s pretty impressive.
KW: She was funny. We improvised a lot in that scene. Before we started, we were both like, “Alright we’re just going to go there.” I said, “Say whatever you want to me, I can take it,” and we both went there.
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