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May 28, 2009                                                                                               

LENO – 33,000 JOKES AND COUNTING

CONAN FEATURES FEWER JOKES, DIFFERENT TARGETS

New Study Tallies Late Nite TV Political Humor Since 1992

Jay Leno has told over 33,000 jokes about public figures since taking over the “Tonight Show” in 1992, over four times as many as his successor Conan O’Brien, according to a Center for Media and Public Affairs (CMPA) study that tallies jokes by late night TV comedians.  The study also finds that Leno’s favorite target was Bill Clinton, while Conan aimed the most barbs at George W. Bush. According to CMPA President Dr. Robert Lichter, “Conan will make the “Tonight Show” monologues less political but more liberal.”

 These joke totals are the latest from the CMPA “JokeWatch” project, which has tallied jokes in the opening monologues of late night TV talk show hosts since 1988, as well as “Comedy Central” shows beginning in 2003. This report covers the period from May 25, 1992, when Jay Leno became the sole host of the “Tonight Show,” through December 31, 2008. The Center for Media and Public Affairs is a nonpartisan media research organization affiliated with George Mason University in Fairfax, Virginia.

Major Findings:

Jay Leno – Jay Leno told 33,331 jokes about public figures from his debut as permanent host of the “Tonight Show” in 1992 through 2008, over four times as many as his new replacement Conan O’Brien. Leno’s favorite target during that time was Bill Clinton, whom he zinged 4,468 times, nearly 50% more often than number two target George W. Bush (2,999 jokes).

Several other Clinton administration figures were among the most prominent joke targets for Leno. Clinton’s Vice-President Al Gore placed third with 953 jokes and Hillary Clinton placed fourth with 873. Two other figures from the “Clinton scandals” made the Top 20 list: #8 Monica Lewinski (450 jokes) and #20 Paula Jones (163 jokes). Incoming President Barack Obama placed 18^th with 183 jokes. The most prominent non-political targets were O.J. Simpson at #5 (737 jokes) and Michael Jackson at #7 (488 jokes).

Conan O’Brien – Conan told only 7,057 jokes about public figures from 1992 during the same time period. His #1 target was George W. Bush, who edged out Bill Clinton by 963 to 955 jokes. 1996 GOP presidential candidate Bob Dole edged out Hillary Clinton for third place by 203 to 201 jokes.

Conan paid relatively less attention than Leno to the Clinton scandals and more to GOP figures. Monica Lewinsky placed #17 (41 jokes) on his list, and Paula Jones didn’t make the top 20 list. By contrast, California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger appears on Conan’s top 10 list (at #8 with 138 jokes) but didn’t make Jay Leno’s top 20, despite announcing his candidacy for governor on the “Tonight Show” in 2003. However, President-elect Obama placed 13^th with 57 jokes. Conan’s non-political targets reversed Leno’s order: Michael Jackson finished 7^th with 140 jokes but O.J. dropped to 10^th with 83.

Leno’s Top 20 – 1. Bill Clinton (4,468 jokes); 2.George W. Bush (2,999); 3. Al Gore (953); 4. Hillary Clinton (873); 5. O.J. Simpson (737); 6. Dick Cheney (578); 7. Michael Jackson (488); 8. Monica Lewinsky (450); 9. Bob Dole (444); 10. John McCain (346); 11. John Kerry (341); 12. George H.W. Bush (294); 13. Ross Perot (276); 14. Dan Quayle (251); 15. Martha Stewart (198); 16. Gary Condit (196); 17. Newt Gingrich (195); 18. Barack Obama (183); 19. Saddam Hussein (182); 20. Paula Jones (163)

Conan’s Top 20 – 1. George W. Bush (963 jokes); 2. Bill Clinton (955); 3. Bob Dole (203); 4. Hillary Clinton (201); 5. Al Gore (188); 6. John McCain (147); 7. Michael Jackson (140); 8. Arnold Schwarzenegger (138); 9. Dick Cheney (105); 10. O.J. Simpson (83); 11. Martha Stewart (80); 12. Sarah Palin (67); 13. Barack Obama (57); 14. Saddam Hussein (54); 15. John Kerry (52); 16. Dan Quayle (50); 17. Monica Lewinsky (41); 18. Newt Gingrich (39); 19. Janet Reno (35); 20. Paris Hilton (34)

Cameron Frye’s home is for sale.

\”Cameron Frye\” house for sale.

Apparently they’ve fixed the garage after the disaster that occurred on Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, which of course was really Cameron Frye’s Day Off, because Ferris already had nine absences for the semester and he could pretty much take a day off any time he so desired. Cameron was the one who needed the ball game, the fancy lunch, the parade, the big talks, the visit to the Art Institute and all that other stuff that couldn’t possibly transpire in one day. (But that’s OK.)

“Ferris Bueller’s Day” is a comedy, to be sure. It’s also the story of a wildly popular little shit who is actually a great friend to a deeply depressed, possibly suicidal pal.

Jessica Biel says her looks prevent her from being taken seriously by casting directors. From Allure magazine:

Although Jessica Biel is probably most well known for her beautiful bod and being Justin Timberlake’s girlfriend, there is much more to the 27-year-old actress than meets the eye. That’s why Biel is so frustrated when she misses out on plum roles that go to Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman because directors find her look to be too modern.

“I just want an opportunity,” she states in Allure’s June issue. “If you don’t like the audition, then don’t hire me! But if you don’t want to even see me — that’s hurtful.” Find out what else Jessica has to say about her looks, marriage, and living life under a microscope.

Is being too good-looking really a problem for an actress?

“Yeah, it really is a problem. I have to be blunt.”

So let me get this straight. If you’re a beautiful woman, it might work against you in Hollywood? You won’t get cast in good movies?

Right. That’s why we see so many movies featuring unattractive women such as Angelina Jolie, Kate Beckinsale, Halle Berry, Scarlett Johansson, Penelope Cruz, Charlize Theron, Natalie Portman, Kate Winslet, Zoe Saldana, Keira Knightley, Julia Roberts, Rachel McAdams, Jennifer Connelly, Naomi Watts, Ziyi Zhang…

Such a sad story.

Lucy Gordon.

Lucy Gordon was a talented and beautiful young actress who was just starting to make her mark. News reports indicate a probable suicide. Neighbors say they heard some kind of a fight between her and a boyfriend.

We don’t know what led to this tragedy—but if it was a lovers’ quarrel, that boyfriend is going to be haunted for the rest of his life. (No matter what the lead-up, he’s the one who found her body. He’s never going to be the same.) But if it was some stupid fight, even a monumental break-up, you wish that this young woman’s life had been like the movies, where an older version of herself could have stepped in to tell her that NO LOVE, NO PERSON, NO SADNESS, is worth taking yourself off this planet. 

Most of us have never seriously considered suicide, but all of us know what it’s like to be so down, so depressed, so saddened or hurt, that you can at least understand how some people contemplate opting out, if just to put an end to the pain.

If Lucy Gordon could have made it through the day and seen another sunrise, maybe she would have awakened with a better sense of perspective. That might be simplistic, but it’s possible. Maybe she’d still be depressed and suicidal, but maybe she would have found the resolve to seek help.

It’s all speculation now. She’s gone. What a tragic waste.

At the Preakness, that is.

Donald Trump tells the assembled media, “You should be ashamed of yourselves.”

Why? Because according to Trump, the press cares about the opinions of Miss California only because she’s a beautiful woman. How shallow!

This from Donald Trump, who at this same press conference told us the photos of a topless, teenaged Carrie Prejean were hot.

This from Donald Trump, who OWNS  the Miss USA beauty pageant.

This from Donald Trump, who every decade or so trades in his wife for a younger, better looking model.

This from Donald Trump, who puts his name on everything from building facades to the bottled water in his hotels.

This from Donald Trump, who has been known to go on the Howard Stern show and brag about the babes he’s bagged.

Is there any human being on the planet with less self-awareness than this man?

And by the way, why does anyone give a flying f— about Carrie Prejean’s opinion of gay marriage? As I wrote at the time:

There was a time when a pageant contestant would give a nonsensical answer ending with “world peace,” and the studio audience would applaud and the judge would say, “Thank you very much,” and the home viewer would say, “What did she just say?” and that would be that. On to the talent portion of the evening.

Now, these rambling monologues become viral sensations that last until the end of the time, or at least end of the Internet, whichever comes first.

More than 34 million viewers have watched the YouTube clip of that poor girl who was Miss Teen South Carolina 2007, struggling to answer a question about geography. (“I believe that our education, like such as South Africa and Iraq, everywhere like, such as, our education . . . should help the U.S. or should help South Africa and or should help Iraq and the Asian countries so we will be able to build up our future . . . “) If that many people went to a movie, it would gross nearly $300 million.

On Monday morning, radio DJs and morning TV hosts were playing a couple of clips from the 2009 Miss USA pageant.

The biggest controversy occurred when blogger Perez Hilton asked Miss California, Carrie Prejean, if every state should legalize same-sex marriage.

Her answer: “I think it’s great Americans are able to choose one or the other. We live in a land that you can choose same-sex marriage or opposite marriage. And you know what, in my country, in my family I think that I believe that a marriage should be between a man and a woman. No offense to anybody there, but that’s how I was raised and that’s how I think it should be, between a man and a woman.”

Perezito seemed taken aback. In a video blog, he called Miss Prejean “a dumb bitch,” though he later apologized.

Granted, it’s a little odd Prejean would think we “live in a land that you can choose same-sex marriage” given that Perez just pointed out to her that Vermont was just the fourth state to legalize same-sex marriage. But at least we understood what she was trying to say: she believes marriage should be between a man and a woman, but she’s not exactly intending to run through the village with a torch, smoking out the gays who want to get married. It’s basically what a lot of politicians believe. (Barack Obama, on WBBM-AM’s “At Issue” in 2004: “[A]lthough I try not to have my religious beliefs dominate or determine my political views on [gay marriage], I do believe that . . . marriage is something sanctified between a man and a woman.”)

Yet we saw headlines on Monday such as, “Miss California Sparks Furor With Gay Marriage Comments on Miss USA Telecast,” and, “Miss California Sparks Outrage over Gay Marriage Remarks.”

Really? We’re getting worked up over this? Because that hot blond woman in the white bikini didn’t issue an articulate, passionate defense of gay marriage? (Not that hot blond girls in white bikinis aren’t issuing passionate statements on all the major issues of the day even as we speak.)

It’s great fun and column fodder to dissect these videos, but not for a moment should anyone seriously give a flying tiara about what a pageant contestant believes about the pressing issues of the day.

Major League Baseball has nixed the YouTube video of Gary Dell’Abate’s now-infamous first pitch disaster last weekend at Citi Field, where the lifelong Mets fan unleashed a soft toss that looked like something from the Wild Thing’s arsenal in “Major League.” It was about nine feet high and another nine feet outside.

Fla-fla-flooey

Poor Gary. Due to his status as the longtime producer and frequent on-air presence on Howard Stern’s show, he’s been on the fringes of fame for years—-and he’s a major figure in Stern Nation, where ball-busting is the real national pastime. Dozens of local and national sportscasts ran with the video, and Howard, Robin and in particular Artie have had a field day on the show this week, spending hours dissecting the moment,  erupting into gales of laughter at Gary’s expense. They even had a phone interview with Yankees’ outfielder Johnny Damon, who said it was among the worst ceremonial first pitches he’d ever seen. (Damon did his best to avoid Artie’s comments about A-Rod, steroids and women.)

UPDATE: Thanks to Ian for this link.

Yipes

This is the thing about those ceremonial first pitches: the potential downside is about a thousand times bigger than the upside. I know exactly what Gary was going through in the weeks leading up to his first pitch. He was fretting on and off the air about making a fool of himself—and it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. I guarantee you, if he goes to the mound at Citi Field next week with nobody in the stands and no cameras rolling rolling, he probably throws a strike right down the middle. But it’s the knowledge that you might f— up and it might become a YouTube moment that plays games with your psyche.

I know it sounds stupid and silly, but YOU go out there and throw a first pitch, especially if you’re in a situation like Gary’s, where you know that if you screw up, it’s going to become a part of Stern show lore for the rest of your life. I had similar apprehensions last year in the days leading up to my stint on the mound at U.S. Cellular Field. I’m an OK baseball player—I still play a passable second base in 12-inch softball leagues in Chicago and I still go to the batting cages once in a while. I play catch with my 9-year-old nephew and rarely even feel a twinge in the area where I had rotator cuff surgery a few years back. When the White Sox extended the invite for me throw out a first pitch before a key September game on a Friday night in Chicago, I was thrilled—-but I also knew if I messed up, I’d become a YouTube “star,” at least on a minor level. More than a few people would probably enjoy seeing a video headlined, “Movie Critic Sucks on the Mound.”

I got all kinds of advice from people. Go into a full windup. Pitch from the stretch. Don’t wind up at all—-just toss it. Aim high. Aim low. Goof around so it doesn’t seem like you’re worried.

The Sox were nice enough to give me a custom-made jersey, and also a green St. Patrick’s Day jersey with Jim Thome’s name and number. They also let me bring my nephew onto the field, where he posed for a photo with Ozzie Guillen and received a signed game bat from catcher Toby Hall, who delivered the treasure unsolicited. (What a cool thing to do.)

And then it was time for me to get out there and throw that ceremonial first pitch to Sox ace Mark Buehrle. (There’s a pic in the Photos section.) My form wasn’t exactly Bob Gibson circa 1968—but I managed to get the ball over the plate, a little bit above the strike zone. Buehrle came out and signed the ball, we took a picture, I thanked the Sox and I went up to the stands to join my friends and family, relieved that I had survived the moment without becoming a YouTube punchline.

I can’t help but laugh at some of the jokes they’re enjoying at Gary’s expense on the Stern show, but I’m also feeling his pain. He’s showing an awful lot of grace by taking the countless hits and only occasionally snapping back, but inside it has to be killing him. If he throws a strike, it gets two minutes of airtime on Monday’s show and it’s forgotten. But he tried to aim the ball and he over-thought the moment, and his worst fears came to pass. I honestly feel terrible for him. In the grand scheme of things, it’s no big deal, but in Stern World, oy. There but for the grace of God…